Marching along

I am creeping up on two years of returning home from deployment, two years since meeting my daughter, Bella, for the first time.
I was in Al Asad when I got the word that we were expecting a girl. I was on the phone with Monica, fighting back the tears. My buddy Jeremy overheard the conversation, quietly stepped out of the "phone center", (a converted restroom) He came back in and handed me a beer, non-alcoholic. I hung up with Monica and I cracked open the bottle but before I took a drink. I closed my eyes and sent out a silent prayer. Right then, I experienced a moment of spirituality. I felt lifted. I felt free. I opened my eyes and of course, reality was waiting for me. I was still in Iraq, still surrounded by nothingness but feeling unbelievably grateful and excited about being a father again and to a baby girl!!!!
Fast forward to March 08, 2009 and Bella's second birthday party.
We are now in my mother in laws back yard, surrounded by members of both families, friends, children and in the middle of it all is Bella walking around looking at each and everyone of not as well wishers but as obstacles, standing between her and the gifts, the party favors, the decorations, the food etc. We brought out the pinata and of course, she was the only one that was allowed to take a crack at it. She tore through all of the presents. Forget about the clothes, the outfits, the toys, it was all about the wrapping!
The only problem that I have that is from what everyone tells me raising this little girl is only going to get more and more expensive.
I better enjoy these special moments while I can.

Time...

Prior to my deployment some of the guys that went before me told me that life just is'nt the same. I thought that my mental stability, my approach to life in general would help me prove them wrong. But, they were right. Everything that I do now, is in relation to that time I spent away from home. It seems like every story that I tell revolves around "When I was in Iraq". It's at the point now that when I do hear those words come out of my mouth I will actually wince and sometimes, most of the time, I will just change the subject.

In January, I was in New York for reserve training and one of my great friends, Marty Gill, pulled some strings and got orders for the same training. He brought along a friend of ours, Tony Hough. He was in Iraq with us as well. What I did not know was that T was going through some issues left over from our time over there. We did what most veterans do, bought a case of beer and just opened up. The more that he talked the more that I realized that I came back with more luggage than I cared to admit to. As proud as I am of serving this country and of serving during war time and in a war zone, I realized that I had used my deployment as a crutch. Physically, I think that we all came back a bit worn down, with some lingering effects but as far as I am concerned, I am still not home. Everything that I do, work wise, falls short of giving me that sense of accomplishment that I/We got after completing a project or mission out there. It was not only a rush of adrenaline but of fulfillment that I am still searching for. I realize now that this has only kept me from realizing just how good I have it. I have a good job, I work with some great people and what we do here, does matter. I have a fantastic family, two great parents that are still doing their thing. My wife, Monica, that keeps amazes me with the way that balances work, school and being an extaordinary wife, mother, daughter and friend. My boy, Sergio and Marcelo that are not only great students but amazing young men. They have taken on the roles of big brothers and have redefined it at least, for me. Izabella, in her own way shows me colors, shades and angles of light, sounds, music, peace, that I forgot were right there, all around me. And many times she does this by the angelic expression that she has on her face as she sleeps.

What am I getting at? After my "training" in NYC and the many talks, I came back with a new found sense of direction. A better understanding of "a moment of clarity". I am no longer going to make excuses or use my experience as a means to get in or out of a situation. However, since coming home, if I have ever given you the feeling of not caring or if I came across a bit too non chalant, please know that it was not my intention. Your friendship, much like sailors on a ship, has helped to keep me on an even keel, moving forward and through some stormy weather. I thank all of you for that.

Peace be with all of you.